NO HITTING

Links to all our Newsletters

2005-07-03T15:23:00.000-05:00

Below, we've archived all of our newsletters. And...uh...there are links. Like it says above in the title. Yeah. Let's just move on.

LAST SHOW before we explode!!!

2005-06-15T16:13:00.000-05:00

This week includes song, dance, and a complete year in review! Get your last No Hitting dose while you can.

Featuring Danny Cohen, Noam & Mary, Rob Paravonian, and West Coaster Michelle Biloon. With your shimmery, summery hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac.

No Hitting
One More Thursday before the Fall!
Ave C at 10th Street
8pm sharp
$3 cover and drink specials
Take the F to Second Ave or the L to 14th Street

What they are saying about NO HITTING!

2005-06-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

We sent out an advance copy of this week's show to Hollywood. Here's how they reacted:

"I'm in love!" -- Tom Cruise on No Hitting

"The best thing to happen to comedy since Schindler's List." --Mel Gibson

"This show is not suitable for young children. Anyone under the age of 18 should be buried alive until after the show. Uh…y'all." - Dolly Parton

"Jeff & Becky scare me so bad, I fudged in my underthings." -Stephen King

"This show is so hot, I'd leave Jennifer Aniston for it." -- Brad Pitt

"I love Jeff and Becky. I'd have 'em over to the house if they weren't so old." -- Michael Jackson

2, Just 2, times left to NO HIT!

2005-06-03T19:36:00.000-05:00

Last week, a fight almost broke out and Jeff and Becky did comedy lying down. What will happen this week? Will someone get HIT?? You have to be there to find out...

This week's special guests: From Comedy Central Presents, DC Benny, You know him from Premium Blend, Liam MacEneaney, She's full of crazy characters, Ann Carr, and host of her own show at the Patio bar, Ali Waller.

With two, exciting, co-hosts who both have very different reactions to confrontation...

He squeezes his butt cheeks together so tightly they could cut diamonds...Jeff Mac

She drinks red wine until she forgets the incident happened...Becky Donohue

AWKWARD PARTY PIX TO THE RIGHT!!

The NO HITTING Guide to the Classfieds

2005-05-31T15:42:00.000-05:00

We know it's tough looking for a job, especially when they don't tell you what the hell you'll be doing until you get there. The headhunting offices here at NO HITTING have compiled this handy guide to translate the help wanted section for you.

fun summer job/ perfect for college student
This job will involve nudity or sales.

Good communications skills a must.
Your staff flew in from Bangladesh yesterday. Good luck!

Are you tired of the same old routine? Come join our team!
In your worst nightmares, you have never imagined a job so mind-numbingly boring. The upside - your elephantine co-workers will find a reason to eat cake every day at 3:30. They think that makes them "crazy."

applicant must be open minded, attractive, and pleasant
Your married boss will try to fuck you. The pleasant part means that you're supposed to ignore it.

compensation is commensurate with experience:
Unless your resume includes astronaut or first person to map the human genome in the special skills section, you're getting minimum wage.

Looking for someone energetic, and ready for a challenge.
Congratulations. You're the new master of ceremonies at a cockfight in the Bronx.

ONLY 3 NO HITTINGS LEFT!

2005-05-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

3! then 2, then 1!
That's right, only three chances left to see your favs light up the comedy hot spot that is Avenue C.

Here's who's gearing up for show number 3:

From Comedy Central's Premium Blend, Rachel Feinstein, Comic Strip regular, Veronica Mosey, Loisaida's very own, Josh Spear, the commercial maverick, Eric Kirchberger, & the Chapelle show White Dude, Christian Finnegan.

Mcs will include and be entirely madeup of Jeff Mac & Becky Donohue.

Come and get it while it's getting hot.

Your friends will be there and someone's face will be in that weird picture block next week! Everyone will be jealous of you!

The NO HITTING Guide to Everything

2005-05-24T16:31:00.000-05:00

We here at No Hitting know that you people are lost without us. We respect that. And since we're going away for the summer in a few weeks, we thought we'd give you a little gift. Here are a few excerpts from our book on how to do absolutely everything on the earth. Enjoy!!

page 198: How to become Pope
1. Join Hitler youth
2. Become priest
3. Rise through the ranks by being a right-wing bastard
4. Chill on the whole molesting thing
5. Get really old

page 449: How to immediately become the most hated person on the subway
1. Start clipping your nails
2. Make a really good spitting noise and then let a snot rocket fly as the doors open
3. Eat a four course meal involving soup on your lap
4. Start break dancing into the legs of seated passengers and then ask for money
5. Invite the person sitting next to you to church
6. Shit your pants

page 3294: How to get on Al Jazeera TV
1. Scream something in Farsi while wildly pumping a fist outside a US embassy.
2. Wear a ski mask and kidnap a white (or even asian) person.
3. Send in a videotape with a lot of 'walking around the caves' footage

page 12994: How to cure cancer
1. Be a brilliant scientist
2. Get assloads of mice
3. Inject people with stuff
4. Get more tail than Tommy Lee in '85

NO HITTING: 5/26 @8pm -- just 4 shows left til summer!!!

2005-05-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

Oh people. Oh, last week. In true therapy-soaked NO HITTING fashion, we decided to read from our NO HITTING journals onstage. Tears were shed. Lessons were learned. Healing was achieved. Shame was enhanced. Very fun.

Come see us this week as we read correspondence between presidents and their first ladies throughout history.

And the lineup! People, the lineup. Check it. We've got Betsy Wise, Bryan Olsen, Charlie Gaeta, plus the musical genius of The Rob & Mark Show! With your deadly hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac

Don't miss it -- we've only got a few left before our summer break!

Odes to the Coming of Summer

2005-05-17T15:36:00.000-05:00

We here at NO HITTING aren't all about shallow attempts to make you laugh. If you looked at a pie graph of what we're all about, we will grant you that most of it would be that, but not all. To that end, the NO HITTING poetry department has given birth to several rhapsodies in honor of the impending summer.

reversal: a haiku by Jeffrey Macspeare
empty subway car
yes! it's -- oh wait...no A.C.!
dear god, the ball sweat

New York Sports Club: Another Reason to Join by Becky Carlos Becky
fleshy arms, bare legs
visible paleness abounds
rough winter in city..too much man titty

Life Choices by Rebecca Wadsworth Donohue
there's a beach somewhere
I'll never see it, too poor
should've been corp-rate climber
(epilogue)
comedy
ca
ca

90 degrees, 90% humidity: a haiku by Jeffrey Lord Maccyson
well-dressed homeless man
snowpants and a winter coat
steamed in his own pee

No Hitting - 5/19 @8pm

2005-05-17T11:55:00.000-05:00

Last week the amply flustered Reverend Terrence Mc-Runaway-Bride honored us with his presence. We learned that thou shall not be gay, even if effeminate, once you are sent to 'Camp Don't Go There'. We also learned that there is a religion that worships Patrick Swayze. Ah, at long last. This week, enjoy a recap of the last seven months of No Hitting through extremely accurate journal entries.

This week's lineup is so good, you may poop yourself! Featuring long-time Luna scene regular, Cary Prusa, Perv-ingo's Jamie Greenberg, Shauna Lane, Matt Goldich, & God's Pottery. With your incredibly gifted hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac

PARTY PIX TO THE RIGHT!!

NO HITTING - 5/12 8PM SHARP

2005-05-07T12:45:00.000-05:00

Last week's show was so good we won a MAC award...however, it's not the one you're thinking of. We won the Mexican Association of Cabaret Performers award for best guest host. Apparently, there had never been another Mexican guest host of an American show. But, as they say in sports, A FORFEIT STILL GOES DOWN IN THE WIN COLUMN!

This week will be full of surprises and old favorites. The lineup is superb. The price is a measely 3 bucks. You don't want to miss it. Featuring: Writer and talker extrodinaire, Kip Conlon, the Mega host of Tuesday Night's Giant Tuesday Night, Andres du Bouchet, a featured act in the Montreal Comedy Festival, Susan Prekel, from Tough Crowd, John Marshall, & newcomer, Blaine Perry. With your healthy hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac

Check out last week's show pix to the right!

Only one more month of shows before the summer hiatus. Catch No Hitting, while the hitting is hot.

NO HITTING
Every Thursday @8pm
Mickey's Blue Room
Ave C between 10th and 11th
take the f train to second ave
or the l train to 1st
Only 3 american dollars!

GRACIAS, MEXICO!

2005-05-03T15:49:00.000-05:00

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, here are five things that we wouldn't have if not for Mexico:

1. The Mexican Hat Dance - perhaps the most highly ranked of all the hat dances.

2. Mariachi Bands - equally for their music and their no-nonsense fashion style.

3. Selena! - not only the singer, but the Edward James Olmos made-for-TV movie. Mucho bueno!!

4. Stucco - it makes us feel as if we could make a house just by throwing mud around. Feels good, powerful.

5. Texas - Seriously, thanks, you guys. We've really enjoyed it since we got it from you. Anytime you need it back, though, you let us know. And please feel free to take the rest of the fucking South along with it. No charge.

NO ME PEGAS!! 8PM EN PUNTO!

2005-05-02T20:45:00.000-05:00

La semana pasada tuvimos dos hosts muy tontos y flojos. Ellos eran del sur. Prometemos que no tenemos hosts tan estupidos como los ultimos. (Last week we had two really stupid and lazy hosts. They were from the south. We promise not to bring you such stupid hosts like the last ones.)

Entonces, te invitamos! Ven con nosotros y celebramos el cinco de mayo con estilo! Ven con nosotros y prueba todo que Mexico tenga de ofrecer!

(So, we invite you! Come with us and celebrate Cinco de Mayo in style! Come with us and taste all that Mexico has to offer!)

Con los talentos de Pat Candaras, Bobby Tisdale, Susie Felber, Jack Kukoda, Nick Stevens, Y sus favoritos manejando todo esa mierda, Becky Donohue y Jeff Mac. (You understand this part!!)

Fotos a la derecha!

(Photos to the right!)

No Hitting - Cinco de Mayo!
Every Thursday, 8pm
Ave C (btween 10th and 11th)
Take the F to second ave
or the L to 1st.
Only a measley 3 bucks!

Grift Me Up

2005-04-26T15:51:00.000-05:00

The lady who found the finger in her Wendy's chili may have been pulling a scam. Just when you thought you had found a hero, right? Well, we here at NO HITTING are frankly sickened by this predicament. If you want to be successful in the con business, there are a few simple rules that will make your life significantly easier.

Snare them suckers!

If you stage your own kidnapping for the ransom money, DO NOT deliver the ransom note in person. Even if you are dressed as someone else. Not even if you are wearing a false moustache and speaking in a Dutch accent. No, it doesn't matter how authentic it is. You're still asking for trouble.

When fleeing from a successful robbery on a crowded subway, don't take the escalator just because the stairs cause your arthritis to flare up. Just run, you dick.

If you steal someone's credit card number from your shitty restaurant job, don't then buy things directly from your Amazon favorites page.

Upon a successful pickpocketting attempt, don't shout, "Yes!" or, "In your FACE!" And don't try to throw your victim off the trail by saying something like, "Boy, it sure is great to have a wallet, eh gov'na?" It might make them suspicious.

If you steal someone's credit card number from your shitty restaurant job and the customer tried to scratch out their number with a pen, take a trip to Europe, because that guy's an ass and he deserves it. The card number is already in the system and we can print it at will. We could cover our bedrooms with a wallpaper made entirely of your cc number.

On pretending to be a psychic: Don’t be afraid to make things up. It may seem unethical, but that's what you get for pretending to be a psychic. If you were a real psychic, you wouldn't need to lie. Actually, if you were a real psychic, you wouldn't even need to read this e-mail. Ok, that's just creepy.

4/28: MAKE LOVE NOT BRUISES WITH NO HITTING!

2005-04-25T14:31:00.000-05:00

Oh, people! Last week was so good, we're doing it again! I sang of Orthodox Jewish Ladies and Jeff sang of Moms and sons with a shared love of CRANK.

This week we're back with song, dance, comedy, and a few surprises.

The lineup includes, the not to be missed talent of Eddie Pepitone, (If you have not seen Eddie before than you really haven't known comedy.) the absolutely sublime, absurdity of Heather Lawless, the comedic dream that is Mary Crosbie, the slender and smooth Craig Baldo, & the vivacious Christina McGrath. As always, with your esteemed hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac.

Check out last week's party pix...hey, they're over there...to the right!

NO HITTING
the show that won't make you feel weird...
Every Thursday @8pm
Mickey's Blue Room
Ave C between 10th & 11th
$3 cover, no drink minimum

Ask Your Doctor

2005-04-19T15:53:00.000-05:00

Are you tired of waiting for your doctor to tell you what medications you should be taking? Or are you just tired of comedians bringing up this topic? Well…we can't help you with that second one. But our NO HITTING liaison to the pharmaceutical industry has a few new goodies that you might be interested in. Prescribe a couple for yourself today!

Bloviatra:
Uses: For the person who thinks that their opinions simply MUST be expressed at all times, fully and without regard for their companion's level of interest.
Results: When taken orally, the pill will expand to fill the entire mouth, making it impossible to speak.
Side effects: Onlookers may mistake the silence for some sort of wisdom.

Kamasutracid:
Uses: For unattractive people who tell you about their sex life, forcing you to picture them doing the things they describe.
Results: When taken, the subject will emit a smell that causes amnesia in the people around them, erasing the horrible pictures from their minds.
Side Effects: May cause drowsiness, dry mouth and death. Or diarrhea. Anything with a "D" apparently.

Charm-oxy:
Uses: For individuals who experience others as trying to run away from them in a conversation. Take one pill every time the person you are speaking to shifts nervously, or as needed.
Results: Replaces your regular, annoying voice with popular hits such as Justin Timberlake's "cry me a river" or Madonna's "die another day".

Sex-a-pro:
Uses: For individuals who are considered slutty. Gently apply the spray to yourself and your potential partner once flirting begins.
Results: Causes all sexual organs to seal themselves closed with an organic plastic wrap.
Side Effects: If you use the spray more than four times a day your genitalia may smooth over permanently like a Ken doll.

4/20: NO HITTING SINGS!! 8PM SHARP

2005-04-18T12:43:00.000-05:00

DANCE THE PAIN!!

Last week Jeff danced to liberate my feet and I re-enacted a young girl's shocking moment with a pup. It was strange. It was shameful. It was funny. It was and is No Hitting.

This week: Shame that Tune! You don't want to miss it.

And...

(NH Hot Tip of the Week: click on the comedian's names below and check out their websites!)

Featuring Patrick Borelli, Adam Wade, Jeff Glasse, Kimmy Gatewood, Livia Scott from Meat, & Paul Sullivan (see Paul in one of his last NYC appearances). With your yuk it up hosts, Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac.

As always, party PIX to the right!

The NO HITTING Fit-4-Free Guide

2005-04-12T15:55:00.000-05:00

It's almost bikini weather here in NYC. It's either time to get in shape or to pretend that you're ABOUT to get into shape. Either way, the NO HITTING Fitness Director has a few suggestions for any budget.

Subway Judo
The next time you are on the subway during rush hour, press up against your neighbor and try to force them to fall out of the train. Do this for 3 stops, and then switch partners. Slowly increase the intensity until someone dies. You'll get a great workout, and you might just make a friend!

Vow of Poverty
This one is quite simple -- renounce all your earthly possessions. Walk the streets with nothing, but a small clay bowl (as we've read the Buddhist monks do) and only eat whatever passersby put in your bowl. We guarantee rapid weight loss. If you can mentally get past the distended belly, you might even be able to see yourself as hot.

Angry Soup Cans
Allow yourself only to eat canned soup. You must do 100 dumbbell curls with the soup cans every time you become emotional. And you will become emotional because you must open the cans without a can opener. You can only use your bare hands. You may also throw the soup can against a wall or concrete, but that is a move often associated with anger, so you must do 100 curls with the can even if you are successful in opening it. This diet guarantees enormous biceps and increased anger management skills.

The Tourist Assist
Head up to midtown and hang around the Times Square subway station. When you see a tourist stop right in front of the turnstile, blocking all of the people behind them, try this. Approach them from behind and throw them as far as you can. Make sure to lift with your legs -- midwesterners are heavier than you think!

NO HITTING - 4/14 @ 8PM

2005-04-09T12:54:00.000-05:00

Hi there, crazy face!

First there was "Lord of the Dance"...

Now there's "Dance the Pain"!

That's right, this week, NH introduces, not-to-be-missed, jackassery including a new bit entitled, "Dance the Pain". To see it, is to believe it. And yes, "these people are all in their thirties."

I hate to brag, but this week's lineup includes H2KP's Todd Levin, Sarah Fisch, Damion Sanmarco, Katie McCabe, & Josh Comers. With your incredibly, risk-taking, death defying, comedy co-hosts, Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac.

***

If you weren't at last week's show, well you deserve to get hit, but we don't do that...so, you can take a look at the pictures to the right instead. Enjoy!

NO HITTING'S GUIDE TO THE PAPACY

2005-04-06T15:58:00.000-05:00

The selection of a new pope is an exciting time (play along, folks) and yet we know so little about the process. Until now. The NO HITTING Theological Bureaucracy Department chief has been snooping around Vatican city, and he's uncovered some fascinating secrets about how they fill that giant hat.

Unexpected Candidates

It's commonly believed that the Pope will be selected from the high-ranking church officials. NOT TRUE. The college of cardinals can actually pick anyone they want. Some of the names getting buzz this year are Tom Selleck, the guy who played Father Mulcahy on MASH, a really cute kitty that wandered into St. Peter's Basilica last week, and Thomas Magnum (played by Tom Selleck.)

Papal Back Washing

Similar to the 'Washing of the Feet' ritual performed around Easter, the Cardinals engage in a series of back washings during their seclusion. The back washing is NOT metaphorical. The Cardinals approach one another with a very coarse loofa pad and greet each other with the following, "Holy One, if you wash my back, I'll wash yours." The Cardinals then secretly jot down which individual has the most Christ-like back.

Hot Hat

There are a series of 'tests' from which the Cardinals determine who will become the next pope. One such test is called, 'Hot Hat'. In 'Hot Hat', the Pope's hat is passed around while a religious hymn plays. A Vatican nun will stop the hymnal at random, whichever Cardinal is left holding the hat must put it on. The game continues until a consensus is reached as to which cardinal looks the cutest in the Pope hat. The game often takes 13 of the 14 sequestered days.

The Final Selection

After 2 weeks, the cardinals are really starting to get pretty ripe. Those robes don't breathe, people. It's time to make a decision. When the list of hopefuls is down to two, the finalists strip down to their underwear and are locked into a 3' by 3' cage together. They engage in a vicious game of "Your Patron Saint is So Fat…" until one of them cries or loses control of his bowels. The other is declared Pope for life.

NO HITTING: 4/7 @8pm!! APRIL SHOWERS BRING FLIP FLOPS & TANK TOPS!

2005-04-04T12:59:00.000-05:00

Yes, and perhaps they also bring the worst photos of us that anyone has ever seen. Why, you might ask, would we post such photos? Two words, people: Cautionary. Tale.

Regardless of how crappy we looked then, you should see us NOW. Boy, are we different! Nearly a week has passed since then. We're both entirely different people, and we're ready to bring you some serious springtime comedy action.

This week, we've got Debbie Shea(Premium Blend), Max Lance, Baron Vaughn, Poppi Kramer, Mark Giordano, and as always, your positively deadly hosts Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac.

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

One word, people: Curtains. Yes, we've now got curtains separating us from the bar. How does this affect ME, you ask? Well, if you like hearing brainless, inane bar conversations during comedy shows, you're really going to hate the curtains, let me tell you.

Oh, and we also had an AWESOME show. Such a great turnout, and a good time was had by all. Check out the pics over on the right!

SHOWCASE TONIGHT!

2005-03-25T20:32:00.000-05:00

Come join us this week as some of New York's funniest humans strut their best six for a spot on TV!

Featuring Michelle Buteau, Roger Hailes, Romey Rome, Joe Devito, Margot Leitman, Aziz Ansari, Pete Dominick, & Josh Wade. With your fantastic hosts Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac.

Who the hell are these people? Well, run your cursor over their names and if there's a link you can go to their site and see for yourself. You will be glad you did.

NO HITTING - 3/24 @ 8PM!

2005-03-21T17:54:00.000-05:00

Last week was so much fun, I forgot my camera. So, you'll just have to make do with an older picture of us. (Like a whole few weeks older!) And the post party pix are not so much post party, but more pix of popular people. Yep, you viewed 'em the most and so now we're giving them to you again.

Both Jeff and I have been downing the cough suppressants and remedies of all kinds in an attempt to stave off the flu we've been wearing like an itchy, polyester, sweater. I am convinced it's all a terrorist attack. So, join us this week for our very favorite Sick Stories!

The lineup this week is one of the healthiest ones yet, featuring Dan Allen, Amber Tozer, Moody McCarthy, Mike Amato, & Justin Jay. With the two most creative hosts in all the land, Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac.

See you Thursday!

LAST CHANCE TO SEE...

2005-03-20T17:00:00.000-05:00

Well, people, many of our NYC icons are going the way of the dodo. We here at NO HITTING don't want you to miss out on getting one last glimpse at some of the things that make our city great, so the Director of Central NO HITTING Intelligence has put a mole in the mayor's office. Here are some of the plans for 2007. Get out there while there's still time.

Central Park
This NYC icon will be bulldozed, flattened out, and be rebuilt into the Big Apple Foodcourt. But don't worry - to keep the original park-like feel, some of the foliage will still be there in spirit. Many of the trees will be replaced with exact replicas of themselves made from the wood pulp gathered by cutting down the original trees.

NY Public Library
All New York libraries will be shut down and replaced with a Starbucks/ Barnes & Noble combination. The illusion of books on the shelves will remain by replacing all the real books with hollow, cardboard, replicas. This step was taken after Starbucks Inc. conducted a survey which resulted in the following finding, 'people don't actually want to learn stuff...they simply want to be surrounded by smart looking things so they can feel smart...and they like really expensive coffees.'

The Plaza Hotel
The Plaza will be turned into an Urban mall named, El Plase Centro. El Plase will consist of a Pizza Hut, Quiznos, Dunkin Donuts, Nathan's, & a Haircuts Express. The only people who will ever enter the Plase will be tourists and all the shops will be manned by extremely angry Indian or Bangledeshi immigrants. Oops, sorry, that actually is happening.

Museum Of Natural History
New name: Museum of Non-Patriotic, Evil-doer, Alleged History. All items that don't quite jibe with the Bible will be marked with neon signs that say, "THEORY." The famous dinosaur exhibit will be renamed, "The Blasphemy Zone," and will be used to warn children about the dangers of actually believing what you can see with your own eyes.

The NO HITTING Guide to Irish Symbology

2005-03-15T17:03:00.000-05:00

Where do all of these Irish symbols come from? What do they mean? Why is this Irish guy passed out in front of my apartment? These are the questions that have plagued, well, probably somebody...uh...for a long time. Well, the NO HITTING Irish Culture and History Department has prepared this primer for that guy, and anyone else who's interested.

SHAMROCKS
The Irish people did not invent alcohol, but they were the first people to ever drink in excess. It was common to walk out into the morning sun and to find a great deal of the townspeople face down in the grass, groaning with hangovers. One day the mayor woke up with the front lawn as his pillow and realized that the shamrock should be the national flower of Ireland. He also decided that the taste in his mouth that morning should be immortalized in the "Shamrock Shake," which can still be vomited to this day.

BAGPIPES
Irish invention, though often thought to be Scottish.Shamus McLoud was told that the could not 'play a cow as well as he did that bloody clarinet' by his ex-wife Francis. Shamus, being a very creative sort, cut off the cow udder from one of his father's stock before it went to slaughter. He attached the cow udder to his clarinet and covered the udder with some plaid cloth leftover from his best sunday suit. He then began to toot on his clarinet, letting the cow udder contract and expand with each note and the bagpipe was born.

KILTS
Like the bagpipes, an Irish invention that was mistakenly attributed to the Scottish. Donald O'Herlihy, a shepherd in the 1400's, used to wear a skirt to trick his sheep in to thinking that it wasn't he who was creeping up behind them in the night, but merely Mrs. O'Herlihy. His ruse was so successful that he decided to make the look fashionable, so he wouldn't stand out in a crowd quite so starkly when he went to town.

IRISH STEPDANCING aka "Riverdance"
This one falls under the "happy accident" category. Thomas McDonough of County Cork had a violent seizure at a party one night during which he a.) never left his feet, and b.) kept perfect time with the music. He was wearing a headband and really tight pants, and it just looked like it had all been intentional. A new artform was born. Oh, and the guy was a little gay. Hey, some people swing that way. No biggie.

3/17: NO HITTING'S MO CUISLA!

2005-03-13T16:21:00.000-05:00

We're a Mo Cuisla, you're a Mo Cuisla, wouldn't you like to be a Mo Cuisla too?

Well, since everyone's Irish on St. Paddy's day, you can be one! And there's no better way to spend Irish Day than with two American Micks in a bar. We promise funny, we promise drunk stories, and after the show we promise to be really drunk.

This week is filled with unstoppable comedy. Featuring, Jesse Joyce, Liz Laufer, Keith Price, Jessica Wood, & The Hazzards.
With your two, somebody-in-our-family-tree-left-Ireland-due-to-the-potato-famine Hosts, Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac.

CHECK OUT THE NEW PARTY PICS! Look right. Look right.

Meet the Staff

2005-03-10T23:09:00.000-05:00

We here at NO HITTING get literally thousands of letters each day. Sure we do. Many of these are inquries about our crack staff of professionals who keep the show running smoothly. Who are they? Where do they come from? Where do they go to? And so forth. Well, Jeff and Becky have selected a few to introduce to you now.

Becky's picks:
--------------------------------
Name: Bernice Hernandez
Position: Secretary / Money Counter
Fun Fact: "The 3% coinstar takes...actually, I get that. I invented coinstar. Do you think I could live on what these hijo de puta, blancitos, pay me?? I'm sorry, papi, but no, mommi can't. Mommi can't survive on your puta, split beans."
--------------------------------
Name: Tits McGee
Position: "The regular one, on my back. (Lots of nervous throat clearing from the rest of the office.) Oh, you mean, like, what's my job? I'm Jeff's PA. No, not PDA. I'm not into PDA or did you mean his palm pilot? He already has one of those. I assist him. Sometimes I refill his staples and sometimes he needs help getting up in the morning. I help him get up and excited about the day."
Fun Fact: "I have a snap dragon tongue. I can whip the ice cream right off your cone from across the room."

Jeff's Picks:
--------------------------------
Name: Arthur C. Cromwell Rear Admiral, U.S.N (retired)
Position: Chief of Naval Security
Fun Fact: "A fun fact? How's this - If you people don't stop calling me, I'm turning on the sprinklers. I am NOT looking for a job, I don't care about your comedy show, and there's a team of Navy SEALs in my bedroom that can be dressed and ready to escort you off the premises within seconds. Wait, are you recording this?"
--------------------------------
Name: Benito Monticello
Position: Becky's cabana boy
Fun Fact: "I not so good with the English. Becky, she make me do things. I don't think that she knows what means 'cabana', but is no a body part. I am sometimes very ashamed for my soul. Please help."

NO HITTING - 3/10 @ 8PM!

2005-03-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

CHECK OUT THE POST PARTY YOGA!
Boy, are we crazy or what?

And click on the pictures to the right for more of last week's merriment & mayhem.

If you enjoy fun, fun, fun...then you are going to love this week's show and the revival of Shame That Tune!

Featuring from Late Night with David Letterman Isaac Witty, Giant Tuesday Night's Jamie Greenberg, Irene Bremis, Jason Good, & author of The Reluctant Metrosexual Peter Hyman.

As always with your affectionate and fun loving hosts Becky Donohue and Jeff Mac.

Ways to Improve the Oscars

2005-03-03T23:04:00.000-05:00

KEEP IT MOVING, PEOPLE!

Ok, so they already are trying to make the Oscars less, you know, abysmally long. So they started just running up to winners in the audience and shoving their Oscar at them right there. Not a bad start, but the award show streamlining department here at NO HITTING feel that it doesn't go far enough. Here are a couple of our ideas:

* Develop an "Oscar Cannon" to just launch the award right at the winner's head.
* Have the winners piggyback one another to the stage. For example, Clint can carry Hillary and Morgan. That way it won't get delayed with all that walking. Plus, there's the added bonus of possible injuries. Fun!
* Have a single announcement at the top of the show that we all a.) support the troops, b.) are impressed by Oprah, c.) are thankful to the Academy, and d.) think Jack Nicholson and Arnold Schwarzenegger are amusing. Now, noboody mention them again, ok?
* For the boring awards that nobody really understands anyway (Foley editors, we're looking at you) hire that hilarious talk-real-fast guy who did commericals in the 80's to read them all off in a row, and have microphones just shoot right out of the recipients' chairs so they don't have to get up.
* No more short films. If you can't commit to making a whole movie, maybe you should be in another line of work.
* Winners must give their acceptance speeches from the bathroom while an angry mob with full bladders bangs on the door.
* Cattle prods.

NO HITTING - 3/3 @ 8pm sharp!

2005-03-02T07:33:00.000-05:00

WE'RE BACK!

...with an ALL NEW PRICKtionary!!

Have a traumatizing event you just can't get over?
Want us to draw it out for you?
(Well, who wouldn't?) Simply drop us an email: nohittingcomedy@yahoo.com
and not only will we make art out of your pain,
but you can hang it on the wall of your house!

This week on NO HITTING, Premium Blend two timer & host of the Pro Shop, Rob Paravonian, Will McKinley, Josh Wade, Lori Mocha, & Ann Carr. And all this includes your hosts with the mosts, Becky Donohue y Jeff Mac.

Be there by 8 and we'll have you in bed by 930! ...We didn't say it would be your bed.

NO SHOW TONIGHT, 2-24!

2005-02-24T13:28:00.000-05:00

There's no show tonight, February 24th, BUT check back on March 3rd for our incredible comeback! See below for more details.

NEAR!

FAR!

Catch Becky tonight @ Stand Up NY, Feb 24th @ 9pm
(2 drink min.) 212.595.0850 for reservations

...OR

Join us next week for the return of NO HITTING. Featuring Premium Blend two timer & host of the Pro Shop, Rob Paravonian, H2KP's Todd Levin, Josh Wade, Lori Mocha, & Ann Carr. Como siempre, con sus hosts favoritos, Becky Donohue y Jeff Mac.

Everything you Never wanted to know about No Hitting

2005-02-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

NO HITTING FAQ

We here at NO HITTING get asked a lot of questions. Perhaps you've been wanting to ask us one yourself. Well, we've compiled a list of our most frequently asked questions, and here they are. So before you drop us an e-mail, take a look. Your answer may be here.

Q: Where did you both meet?
NH: At a convention for people who are addicted to over analyzing charts, graphs, statistical information, and people. The group is called OVA – over analyzers anonymous. The convention was held in Nashville. It was quite nice, except for the melted cheese.

Q: What are your biggest comedic influences?
NH: We feel that all of our comedic inspiration comes directly from God. Often when one of us comes up with an idea that the other feels is not in line with our true, righteous, path then we take turns smiting one another for a good half hour or so. That usually washes Satan right out. In fact, sometimes we sing, “I’m gonna wash that Satan right outta my hair…” while we smite ourselves.

Q: I just met someone special, and I want to know what they smell like but I'm too shy to sniff them directly. Help!
NH: Ok, this may be our most frequently asked question. First, you want to FedEx this person some butter from an Alaskan return address. Gift wrap it if you want, but only with porous, breathable materials like wool or fur. Two days later, have his/her neighbor ask if they can borrow some Alaskan butter. It should have retained the essence of your intended's musk. Sniff yourself silly!

Q: What are your biggest fears?
NH: Mice, darkness, heavy hearts, and prop comedy.

Q: I really want to finish my child's Halloween costume early this year. What should she be?
NH: We have always felt that a child should only dress as either a manta ray, a red blood cell infected with Hepatitis C, or the pain of middle-aged loneliness. Or a big bunch of gay grapes.

Q: Where is the best place in the city to buy anti-establishment pet food?
NH: Well, there's "No Blood for Kibble" on 12th. "Steal This Biscuit," on 111th is pretty decent. But if we had to pick only one, we'd go with "Gerbils of the World, Unite!" in Jersey City.

Q: Will there ever be peace in the Middle East?
NH: Yes, in the year 3005 there will be peace in the Middle East. There will also be no people, trees, or cell phones left. As a result, the phrase, “whistling in the wind” will become obsolete.

Q: So, do you guys wanna, like, make out?
NH: Of course we do! Who doesn't? Not with you. But in general, sure.

NO HITTING - 2/17 @ 8PM

2005-02-12T15:12:00.000-05:00

Faces only a mother (and a comedy audience) could love!

Check it out...

This week the staff at NO HITTING boasts an incredible lineup including VH-1's Julie Goldman, Deb Rabbai, Joe Devito, Josh Hanness, & Brad Aldous. Your hosts will be none other than the stupendous Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac.

A Show in Review:

Last week we had a small, but intimate crowd...perfect for our Cupid-themed, Manslations show. Jeff & Becky ended once and for all the age old, he said-she said debate by opening up the secrets of the Manslations and the Chicklopedia Vaginica. Rachel Feinstein finessed the audience with tales of 'toy traders' and a trip to the Renaissance fair in a poor girl's tights. Lee Camp dove head first into politics and little doggie sweaters. Sad you missed it? Don't cry. There's always this week, which will be our last show until March.

No Hitting is off February 24th and returns March 3rd.

Self Help Book Review

2005-02-10T22:51:00.000-05:00

Well, Valentine's Day is upon us, and we here at NO HITTING don't give a crap. It's a nonsense holiday brought to you by people who sell red things. (Unless you just started dating, in which case it's a celebration of all things wonderful, and all your friends currently despise you. Either or, you know.)

But with that said, our crack staff of holiday advisors have saved all of us a whole lot of time by just reviewing book titles. This way, you get the benefits, without all the reading. Why? Because we care about you. No, not you. Yes, you. Right.

Smart Women, Foolish Choices:
Well, if your choice is to buy this book, then by definition, it was written with you in mind. Enjoy.

Women Men Love, Women Men Leave: What Makes Men Want to Commit? :
(Hint: Don't ask him this question)

Teen Love: On Relationships
Repeat after me, “This relationship will mean nothing in two years.” If you’re single repeat this, “I may not mean everything I write in someone’s yearbook.” Now you can throw the book away. We just saved you $9.71, which is further evidence that your teen heartache is invalid; an adult relationship book costs $24.95.

Men Are From Israel, Women Are From Moab: Insights About the Sexes from the Book of Ruth
...asking all the age-old questions like, "How long should I stay in my menstruation hut during the time of my impurity?" and, "What part of obey don't you understand, woman?" A must-read for anyone who lives in 400 BC, or at least wants to treat their girlfriend as if they do.

We realize we seem a bit pessimistic including this next one in a ‘Valentine’s’ book review list, but, my sweets, all good things come to an end. Just ask Brad and Jennifer…

The Break Up Survival Kit:
Contents: booze, cigarettes, a year-long gym pass, lighter fluid, and a box of matches. Lighter fluid and matches are included so that you can burn this book and all the crap your ex left at your house.

NO HITTING - 2/10 @ 8PM!

2005-02-08T09:57:00.000-05:00

You need to come down and laugh or Jeff gets very, very angry. "Come on!" he screams like your high school gym teacher. Don't make him go there. It's much better when he gently lets out a "Whoa" to a heavy metal song. Trust me.

Here's what's happening this week...

A Preview:

We've got heavy hitter, Cory Kahaney, this week straight from Last Comic Standing, along with Lee Camp, Rusty Ward, & Chelsea Peretti. Your hosts, Jeff Mac & Becky Donohue, will be there to thrill or revolt you with something new, untried, and most likely, untrue. And in honor of St. Valentine, you don't want to miss this week's MANSLATIONS!

Last Week: A Review

Becky & Jeff aired out some old material in a bit entitled, "Jokes That Have Failed" and quickly realized the jokes wanted to go back to where they belonged - the dark, damp, cave of death. These bits are the only things that live there...besides funny mushrooms. Danny Cohen came back strong from his last appearance where he had walking pneumonia. This time the only poohing he was doing was with glitter to annoy his brother. Lenny Marcus came as far low and as far east as he has ever gone before...and let me tell you, he dazzled. We had to give him pills for the altitude sickness or maybe that was just the Con Ed plant. Don't miss this week! You'll get your picture in the (web)paper!

Words of the Master

2005-02-02T22:47:00.000-05:00

The staff here at NO HITTING are interested in comedy, but even more interested in understanding the true nature of existence. As such, we have hired a shaman/guru. We don't know what his qualifications are. We figure if you're willing to rent yourself out as a shaman/guru, you've got to know something. Here is some of the wisdom that he gave to us, in convenient nugget form.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Once I cried because I had no shoes, but then I met a man who had no feet. And then I met a different man who had feet, but no legs. And I laughed and laughed, because that guy is hilarious.
* She who lives inside bottle is either alcoholic or genie. Or alcoholic genie...IF she live inside empty whiskey bottle because she sold nice, middle-eastern-looking bottle to pay for bar tab. Is simple, really.
* Buried in heart of every comic is soul of peace. No, no, behind the douchebag alcoholic part. Yes, exactly! Under the bitterness, cowering in the dark, next to the self-esteem.
* Today is the first day of the end of your life. (No, I do not know how many hours you have left. I am no doctor and no psychic friend.)
* A Parable: A traveling comedian who endures heckling audience in Bittersfield, S. Carolina, for little to no money will one day host Tonight Show...or may slowly bleed to death in bathtub of Super 8 motel while spelling out, 'What happened to 80's comedy boom?' in own blood. Is also simple.
* Another Parable: A young monk travelled to mountaintop to visit renowned master. When he reached the summit, the old man was staring at dead rose for over 3 hours. "Master," said young monk, "what does it mean?" The old man smiled and said, "When you know the answer to that question, you will never ask another." And the young monk cried out, because just then the old man had passed really intense gas smelling like chemical toilet.

NO HITTING - 2/3 @ 8pm

2005-02-01T13:59:00.000-05:00

Can you smell that? It's red eye.

Whoa! Last week's show was so good, well, we became a little evil. We've got murderous post party pics and a lineup this week that is killah...Featuring Lenny Marcus, Liam McEneaney, Eric Kirchberger, Sarah Fearon, & Justin Sanders. Anchored by your blood suckingly funny hosts Jeff Mac & Becky Donohue. Is this the Halloween in February show or have we just gone batty?!

LAST WEEK, A POST MORTEM
Well, last week, your lovely hosts explained how Jeff's more of a "murder one" type of person, and Becky's more "murder two". We all learned a little something about Becky's Vegas misadventures with concrete people, gambling, and flying hasidim. And we heard some of Mac's...uh...oral history. Maybe we learned too much...

As usual, the after party devolved quickly into drinking too much, laughing too hard, and revealing WAY too much. Wow. We've learned a couple of lessons last week. One, turns out that the vast majority of our audience is hot-t-t (as you can see in our party pics on the right). And secondly, you get a couple of cocktails in these people, get them throwing darts, and you'll hear things that will turn you white.

Come on down and see for yourself!

NO HITTING: 1/27 @8pm!

2005-01-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

Reunited, and it feels so good...

Becky Donohue is back from Las Vegas, and she once again joins Jeff Mac at NO HITTING this week. She's chock full of tales of sin, debauchery and some concrete convention that was going on out there.

You are not going to want to miss this one. We've got some great comics this week, some music, and probably some things we couldn't describe without using a puppet or something.

Jon Corbett? The guy's been on the TEE-vee(Premium Blend). We've also got Chuck Funk, for all the weirdos out there. How about Roger Hailes and Mike Weingartner? Oh, and for you audiophiles, we've got The Rob & Mark Show, kicking out the jams. It's going to be an awesome night for Becky's triumphant return. Come on down!

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

Jeff had a lot of fun co-hosting with Lubka Bubkova (who, if you really squint, looks a lot like Margaret Dodge.) She dropped some mad science on our asses and assured us that it was off the hizook.

Because it was so freaking cold, there wasn't much in the way of an after party. Everybody just went back to their respective sheltering caves. Jeff did have a beer with the lovely Vinny Fallon, and they discussed techniques for working a callback into a one minute audition set.

This week, people, we're not leaving until Becky has spilled every last sordid detail from her Vegas experience. And if you know Becky, you know that could take awhile.

NO HITTING - 1/20 @ 8PM w/ Jeff & guest host, Lubka!

2005-01-18T14:44:00.000-05:00

First of all, a huge thank you to all of you who keep on coming down to support the show! We couldn't do it without you! And a special thanks to Time Out New York, who called us a DON'T MISS!

Well, Becky Donohue is in Vegas, pictured above sinning her little heart out. To keep Jeff Mac company on Thursday, we contacted that lovely and multi-tasking Russian, Lubka Bubkova (Margaret Dodge's twin cousin), to fill in. Above you can see Lubka giving Jeff possibly the gayest makeover ever seen. We don't know what she will do on Thursday, but trust TimeOut - you do NOT want to miss it. For the outfit alone, it's a must see!

We took the liberty of checking your schedule, and you're free on Thursday. For only $3, you'll get Bryan Tucker (Tough Crowd w/Colin Quinn) and Tom McCaffrey (Premium Blend, Shorties Watchin' Shorties)! But wait, there's more! Matt Goldich, Catie Lazarus, and Jeff Kreisler! And as if that wasn't enough, how's about a 1 minute preview of Chuck Funk? Yeah, that's what we thought. See you there!

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

Well, Jeff & Becky kicked off the show with a little music therapy. We each revealed a private shame, and the other one sang the trouble away. We discovered that the more we humiliate ourselves, the more you guys seem to enjoy it.

Margot Leitman and Marc Sam Rosenthal did their respective things, in preparation for their special show, "Two Honkys With a Dream." Bob Powers told several disturbing tales of his workplace. Andres duBouchet refused to fully take the stage, complaining that he had lost his stage presence (we're all pulling for you, buddy.) Jeff Mac referred to a 2 year old named Ashley as an asshole. And Nick Stevens rounded out the evening with a recap of the show, and a hilarious list of assholes that he wanted to thank (no 2 year olds, though.)

Come on down and check it out, people!

Haikus for the Forgotten Topics

2005-01-13T22:40:00.000-05:00

We all love haikus. Of course we do. How could we not love them, when day in and day out, all we see are haikus? But we have to ask, why are haikus always written about death or leaves or something? What about all the other stuff? Well, the poetry department here at NO HITTING is fixin' to rectify all of that. Right now.

Ode to our stalker fan who needs a wash by Jeffrey Macspeare
you are not our friend
friends don't smell like the butt
buried for three years

Obsession by Becky Carlos Becky
adidas cool shoes
want you in every color
adidas broke blues

Ewww! by Rebecca Wadsworth Donohue
toilet paper white
there for my nose or ass fix
toilet paper black

Red Bull by Jeff Macsworth
you are not a drink
no one can stand you alone
the john oates of drinks

NO HITTING - 1/13 @8PM!

2005-01-11T01:01:00.000-05:00

Holy cow, people. This week is going to be an amazing show. Check out the lineup. Andres duBouchet? Bob Powers? Nick Stevens? Margot Leitman AND Marc Sam Rosenthal? From us to you, seriously, it's going to be hot.

SPECIAL TREAT: Get there before 8, and this week only, there's no cover. After 8pm, it's our customary $3. (Still a deal if you ask us.)

And click on our names on the right for our personal blogs. Let's face it, you're probably reading this at work, so take a few more minutes out of your busy day of deciding what to have for lunch, and enjoy some more comedy.

RECAP OF LAST WEEK

Well, as you can see in the photo above, Jeff & Becky did a little art therapy to open the show. Passive aggressive greeting cards, where the inside says 'happy birthday' and the cover says what you really want to say. It was cathartic, fun, and occasionally offensive, all at the same time.

Some highlights from the show. Greg Walloch gave us the lowdown on what it's like to be gay in Russia. (Apparently, not so cool.) Sarah Fisch told us what it's like to be a lefty in post-election Texas (again, not cool.) Andres duBouchet read from a transcript of THIS week's show which he was somehow able to get a hold of.

And take a look at who was at the after party. I mean, are these people HOTTT, or what?

The No Hitting Personals!

2005-01-06T22:31:00.000-05:00

These are a few of our clients who are looking for that special someone. Maybe it's you! (But probably not.)

Peek-a-boo!
I seeeee yooooou! Photographer and amateur detective gal seeks uninterested man for light stalking. You've got a ground floor apartment with lots of windows, and you can't run very quickly. Bad peripheral vision is A+++! NO RESTRAINING ORDERS. Don't bother to send photos -- just leave your shades open.

Easy-going guy
I’m a nice, responsible guy with a good job. I’m single without kids. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. I only know that I’m not picky. So, you don’t have to look that good, even in the face. I look forward to hearing from you.

Ciao
Hot, Italian guy looking for a ‘discreet’ relationship. If you want to be my sweet, lady on the side then look no further. I promise to treat you like a queen…on the days that I’m not with my girlfriend. Own apartment is a must have.

Avid Indoorsman
Shy, intellectual type seeking interface w/human female into heavy petting and awkward silence. Pagans OK. Klingon language skills a plus. Non-smoker preferred (asthma, allergies, etc.) Please send a plasma sample for analysis and a photo of your DVD collection.

NO HITTING - 1/6 @8PM!

2005-01-04T13:11:00.000-05:00

OH, it's going to be a good one...just look how moved Jeff gets! It's like he's on a Buddhist retreat. It's mystical really.

This week Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac host the talented Todd Womack, Greg Walloch, Sarah Fisch, Pat O'Shea,
and the musically inclined, Knuckleheads.

Don't miss it!

Last week's show recap:

In short, both Jeff & Becky performed their dazzling 'Predictions for 2005' routine. The O'Debra Twins made their not-for-PBS, only-for-HBO debut. And you also may have missed Christian Finnegan's tale of a dog named Caesar and the great, dog-rat, non aggression treaty of 1997.

And if you missed the POST PARTY:

Well then you missed a PAAAARTY! Ok, it wasn't that crazy, but if you want to see who was there, who doesn't have a day job, and who drank 'till all hours. Then check out our NEW POST PARTY PICS, below!

Celebrity Resolutions

2004-12-30T12:23:00.000-05:00

Resolutions for 2005

We here at NO HITTING are constantly getting e-mails from celebrities who want to tell us their personal business. Sure, we are. Happens all the time. Why wouldn't it? So, here are some of the New Year's resolutions we've been hearing about:

Senator John Kerry
* Relax, take it easy
* Spend some quality time with Theresa's checkbook.
* Donate that goofy camoflage suit to the Salvation Army
* Hunt Swiftboat Veterans
* Kill Swiftboat Veterans
=====================================
Michael Moore
* Stop drowning sorrows at Cinnabon.
* Mess with half-dead Charleton Heston again. That was a good time.
* Kiss girl.
=====================================
Colonel Muammar Kaddaffi
* Show Bush I'm serious about the "Mr. No Nukes Nice Guy" thing by ditching that old fez for Red Sox hat, Happy Meal, and Lance Armstrong bracelet.
* Get iPod - those things are so sweet
* Promote self to General, already. I'm the freaking president of this sandpit.
=====================================
Martha Stewart
* Get in shape.
* Rent The Shawshank Redemption
* Feel an emotion
=====================================
Kobe Bryant
* No more up the Aspen with strangers.
=====================================

PROFESSIONAL PRE NEW YEARS EVE EVENT!

2004-12-28T09:51:00.000-05:00

We all know Virginia is for lovers & New Year's Eve is for amateurs! Therefore it is imperative that you join us for our PRE New Years Event. A quick, fun, show packed with hilarity, and starring: straight from Comedy Central & VH1 - Christian Finnegan, plus Michelle Buteau, Amanda Melson, The O'Debra Twins, & of course your loveable hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac.

You also don't want to miss our predictions for 2005! We promise they will be funnier and more accurate than those of John Edwards. The psychic, not the Democrat. (Maybe they're both Democrats? Trivia question: If anyone can find out how the psychic, John Edwards, votes...We'll give you free admission. Yes, we are that easy.)

NO SHOW: 12/23: ENJOY OUR HOLIDAY POST MORTEM

2004-12-22T13:51:00.000-05:00

No show this week, but please join us on Dec. 30th for the last NO HITTING of 2004. That's right, it's another excuse to get drunk. The PRE-NEW YEAR'S EVE EVENT (because we all know the real New Year's Eve is for amatuers) features - straight from Comedy Central & VH1 - Christian Finnegan, plus Michelle Buteau, Amanda Melson, The O'Debra Twins, & of course your unbreakable hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac.

AFTER PARTY RECAP:
Last week's show included an after party where a certain group of someones tried to out do one another with tales of drunken escapades. If you've read the newsletter, you know that some of our friends have been so drunk in the past that they've:

made out with the homeless,
demonstrated making sweet, gentle love to a mini banana on the PATH train, and
pissed all over the goddamn place.

We at NO HITTING are very, very proud.

SHOW POST MORTEM:
Last week's show included The O'Debra Twins and their one-minute pie eating contest along with a play by play from Jeff Mac. The girls did quite a number on the pies and didn't even look sick after, which reinforces our theory that they were actually only making out with the pies and not eating them.

More signs that you were at last week's show: You've now incorportated the term 'tit piss' into your daily vocabulary, thanks to the comedic stylings of the very funny, Noam & Mary. To paraphrase these crazy performers, "Not only does a woman have to have the child. She also has to provide it with a daily helping of tit piss."

After effect #2: You've decided that you prefer to hear rambling readings from the book of Leviticus as opposed to a classic, 1973 porn (Captives on Lust Island, from the Captive Women Series). To which, Becky says, "Go scratch yourselves! But remember the Lord is watching."

For more merriment, we'll see you on the 30th!

12/16: HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR

2004-12-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

This week, Patrick Borelli, plus Vinny Fallon, Noam & Mary, Veronica Mosey, and a one-minute preview from The O'Debra Twins. With, as always, your unflappable leaders, Becky and Jeff.

This is our Christmas show. But since Becky is 1/16th Jew, we're nailing her to a tree. Mel Gibson will not be in attendance, but he sent some lovely hardware (nails, joists, etc.) All we want for Christmas is to see your smiling faces. So don't fuck it up.

There will be drunken Rockettes, lascivious elves, recently paroled santas, and horribly neglected reindeer.

HOLIDAY GIFT GLOSSARY

2004-12-09T22:12:00.000-05:00

HOLIDAY GIFT GLOSSARY

Do you have trouble understanding what people are trying to tell you with the gifts they give? Well, let us give you a hand...

Book: He's Just Not That Into You: from mom: see title, from lover: I'm just not that into you, from co-worker: Even I know he's just not that into you, and I'm tired of hearing about it.

Book: The South Beach Diet: from mom: you're getting a little heavy and I'm worried, from lover: I'm going to cheat on you, from co-worker: you're spilling over into my cubicle.

Candle: from mom: There could be another blackout, from lover: it was between the candle, a mixtape, and a metrocard, from co-worker: Are you sure you're straight, because you're co-worker's not sure.

Car w/Giant Bow: from mom: turns out your mom is Oprah, from lover: turns out you're sleeping with Oprah, from co-worker: if you got a car from your co-worker, you should blow* them, even if it's Oprah, seriously.

Gift Certificate: from mom: you're adopted, from lover: I forgot it was Christmas until about ten minutes ago, from co-worker: I'm secretly in love with you, and/or I make a LOT more than you do.

Liquor: from mom: you're a drunk, from lover: you're a drunk, from co-worker: you're really fun!

Socks: from mom: keep warm, from lover: I think we need couples counseling, from co-worker: Consider doing a load of laundry.

Sweatshirt with frog iron-on and caption "My life is a joke, and I don't even know the punchline.": This was from Jeff's grandmother**. Sorry for the mixup.

*Sorry for using that language, Mom. Love, Jeff
**Seriously.