The NO HITTING Guide to Irish Symbology

Where do all of these Irish symbols come from? What do they mean? Why is this Irish guy passed out in front of my apartment? These are the questions that have plagued, well, probably somebody...uh...for a long time. Well, the NO HITTING Irish Culture and History Department has prepared this primer for that guy, and anyone else who's interested.

SHAMROCKS
The Irish people did not invent alcohol, but they were the first people to ever drink in excess. It was common to walk out into the morning sun and to find a great deal of the townspeople face down in the grass, groaning with hangovers. One day the mayor woke up with the front lawn as his pillow and realized that the shamrock should be the national flower of Ireland. He also decided that the taste in his mouth that morning should be immortalized in the "Shamrock Shake," which can still be vomited to this day.

BAGPIPES
Irish invention, though often thought to be Scottish.Shamus McLoud was told that the could not 'play a cow as well as he did that bloody clarinet' by his ex-wife Francis. Shamus, being a very creative sort, cut off the cow udder from one of his father's stock before it went to slaughter. He attached the cow udder to his clarinet and covered the udder with some plaid cloth leftover from his best sunday suit. He then began to toot on his clarinet, letting the cow udder contract and expand with each note and the bagpipe was born.

KILTS
Like the bagpipes, an Irish invention that was mistakenly attributed to the Scottish. Donald O'Herlihy, a shepherd in the 1400's, used to wear a skirt to trick his sheep in to thinking that it wasn't he who was creeping up behind them in the night, but merely Mrs. O'Herlihy. His ruse was so successful that he decided to make the look fashionable, so he wouldn't stand out in a crowd quite so starkly when he went to town.

IRISH STEPDANCING aka "Riverdance"
This one falls under the "happy accident" category. Thomas McDonough of County Cork had a violent seizure at a party one night during which he a.) never left his feet, and b.) kept perfect time with the music. He was wearing a headband and really tight pants, and it just looked like it had all been intentional. A new artform was born. Oh, and the guy was a little gay. Hey, some people swing that way. No biggie.