NO HITTING'S GUIDE TO THE PAPACY

The selection of a new pope is an exciting time (play along, folks) and yet we know so little about the process. Until now. The NO HITTING Theological Bureaucracy Department chief has been snooping around Vatican city, and he's uncovered some fascinating secrets about how they fill that giant hat.

Unexpected Candidates

It's commonly believed that the Pope will be selected from the high-ranking church officials. NOT TRUE. The college of cardinals can actually pick anyone they want. Some of the names getting buzz this year are Tom Selleck, the guy who played Father Mulcahy on MASH, a really cute kitty that wandered into St. Peter's Basilica last week, and Thomas Magnum (played by Tom Selleck.)

Papal Back Washing

Similar to the 'Washing of the Feet' ritual performed around Easter, the Cardinals engage in a series of back washings during their seclusion. The back washing is NOT metaphorical. The Cardinals approach one another with a very coarse loofa pad and greet each other with the following, "Holy One, if you wash my back, I'll wash yours." The Cardinals then secretly jot down which individual has the most Christ-like back.

Hot Hat

There are a series of 'tests' from which the Cardinals determine who will become the next pope. One such test is called, 'Hot Hat'. In 'Hot Hat', the Pope's hat is passed around while a religious hymn plays. A Vatican nun will stop the hymnal at random, whichever Cardinal is left holding the hat must put it on. The game continues until a consensus is reached as to which cardinal looks the cutest in the Pope hat. The game often takes 13 of the 14 sequestered days.

The Final Selection

After 2 weeks, the cardinals are really starting to get pretty ripe. Those robes don't breathe, people. It's time to make a decision. When the list of hopefuls is down to two, the finalists strip down to their underwear and are locked into a 3' by 3' cage together. They engage in a vicious game of "Your Patron Saint is So Fat…" until one of them cries or loses control of his bowels. The other is declared Pope for life.