The NO HITTING Fit-4-Free Guide

It's almost bikini weather here in NYC. It's either time to get in shape or to pretend that you're ABOUT to get into shape. Either way, the NO HITTING Fitness Director has a few suggestions for any budget.

Subway Judo
The next time you are on the subway during rush hour, press up against your neighbor and try to force them to fall out of the train. Do this for 3 stops, and then switch partners. Slowly increase the intensity until someone dies. You'll get a great workout, and you might just make a friend!

Vow of Poverty
This one is quite simple -- renounce all your earthly possessions. Walk the streets with nothing, but a small clay bowl (as we've read the Buddhist monks do) and only eat whatever passersby put in your bowl. We guarantee rapid weight loss. If you can mentally get past the distended belly, you might even be able to see yourself as hot.

Angry Soup Cans
Allow yourself only to eat canned soup. You must do 100 dumbbell curls with the soup cans every time you become emotional. And you will become emotional because you must open the cans without a can opener. You can only use your bare hands. You may also throw the soup can against a wall or concrete, but that is a move often associated with anger, so you must do 100 curls with the can even if you are successful in opening it. This diet guarantees enormous biceps and increased anger management skills.

The Tourist Assist
Head up to midtown and hang around the Times Square subway station. When you see a tourist stop right in front of the turnstile, blocking all of the people behind them, try this. Approach them from behind and throw them as far as you can. Make sure to lift with your legs -- midwesterners are heavier than you think!