Ask Your Doctor

Are you tired of waiting for your doctor to tell you what medications you should be taking? Or are you just tired of comedians bringing up this topic? Well…we can't help you with that second one. But our NO HITTING liaison to the pharmaceutical industry has a few new goodies that you might be interested in. Prescribe a couple for yourself today!

Bloviatra:
Uses: For the person who thinks that their opinions simply MUST be expressed at all times, fully and without regard for their companion's level of interest.
Results: When taken orally, the pill will expand to fill the entire mouth, making it impossible to speak.
Side effects: Onlookers may mistake the silence for some sort of wisdom.

Kamasutracid:
Uses: For unattractive people who tell you about their sex life, forcing you to picture them doing the things they describe.
Results: When taken, the subject will emit a smell that causes amnesia in the people around them, erasing the horrible pictures from their minds.
Side Effects: May cause drowsiness, dry mouth and death. Or diarrhea. Anything with a "D" apparently.

Charm-oxy:
Uses: For individuals who experience others as trying to run away from them in a conversation. Take one pill every time the person you are speaking to shifts nervously, or as needed.
Results: Replaces your regular, annoying voice with popular hits such as Justin Timberlake's "cry me a river" or Madonna's "die another day".

Sex-a-pro:
Uses: For individuals who are considered slutty. Gently apply the spray to yourself and your potential partner once flirting begins.
Results: Causes all sexual organs to seal themselves closed with an organic plastic wrap.
Side Effects: If you use the spray more than four times a day your genitalia may smooth over permanently like a Ken doll.