Grift Me Up

The lady who found the finger in her Wendy's chili may have been pulling a scam. Just when you thought you had found a hero, right? Well, we here at NO HITTING are frankly sickened by this predicament. If you want to be successful in the con business, there are a few simple rules that will make your life significantly easier.

Snare them suckers!

If you stage your own kidnapping for the ransom money, DO NOT deliver the ransom note in person. Even if you are dressed as someone else. Not even if you are wearing a false moustache and speaking in a Dutch accent. No, it doesn't matter how authentic it is. You're still asking for trouble.

When fleeing from a successful robbery on a crowded subway, don't take the escalator just because the stairs cause your arthritis to flare up. Just run, you dick.

If you steal someone's credit card number from your shitty restaurant job, don't then buy things directly from your Amazon favorites page.

Upon a successful pickpocketting attempt, don't shout, "Yes!" or, "In your FACE!" And don't try to throw your victim off the trail by saying something like, "Boy, it sure is great to have a wallet, eh gov'na?" It might make them suspicious.

If you steal someone's credit card number from your shitty restaurant job and the customer tried to scratch out their number with a pen, take a trip to Europe, because that guy's an ass and he deserves it. The card number is already in the system and we can print it at will. We could cover our bedrooms with a wallpaper made entirely of your cc number.

On pretending to be a psychic: Don’t be afraid to make things up. It may seem unethical, but that's what you get for pretending to be a psychic. If you were a real psychic, you wouldn't need to lie. Actually, if you were a real psychic, you wouldn't even need to read this e-mail. Ok, that's just creepy.