The NO HITTING Guide to Everything

We here at No Hitting know that you people are lost without us. We respect that. And since we're going away for the summer in a few weeks, we thought we'd give you a little gift. Here are a few excerpts from our book on how to do absolutely everything on the earth. Enjoy!!

page 198: How to become Pope
1. Join Hitler youth
2. Become priest
3. Rise through the ranks by being a right-wing bastard
4. Chill on the whole molesting thing
5. Get really old


page 449: How to immediately become the most hated person on the subway
1. Start clipping your nails
2. Make a really good spitting noise and then let a snot rocket fly as the doors open
3. Eat a four course meal involving soup on your lap
4. Start break dancing into the legs of seated passengers and then ask for money
5. Invite the person sitting next to you to church
6. Shit your pants

page 3294: How to get on Al Jazeera TV
1. Scream something in Farsi while wildly pumping a fist outside a US embassy.
2. Wear a ski mask and kidnap a white (or even asian) person.
3. Send in a videotape with a lot of 'walking around the caves' footage

page 12994: How to cure cancer
1. Be a brilliant scientist
2. Get assloads of mice
3. Inject people with stuff
4. Get more tail than Tommy Lee in '85