The NO HITTING Guide to the Classfieds

We know it's tough looking for a job, especially when they don't tell you what the hell you'll be doing until you get there. The headhunting offices here at NO HITTING have compiled this handy guide to translate the help wanted section for you.

fun summer job/ perfect for college student
This job will involve nudity or sales.

Good communications skills a must.
Your staff flew in from Bangladesh yesterday. Good luck!

Are you tired of the same old routine? Come join our team!
In your worst nightmares, you have never imagined a job so mind-numbingly boring. The upside - your elephantine co-workers will find a reason to eat cake every day at 3:30. They think that makes them "crazy."

applicant must be open minded, attractive, and pleasant
Your married boss will try to fuck you. The pleasant part means that you're supposed to ignore it.

compensation is commensurate with experience:
Unless your resume includes astronaut or first person to map the human genome in the special skills section, you're getting minimum wage.

Looking for someone energetic, and ready for a challenge.
Congratulations. You're the new master of ceremonies at a cockfight in the Bronx.

The NO HITTING Guide to Everything

We here at No Hitting know that you people are lost without us. We respect that. And since we're going away for the summer in a few weeks, we thought we'd give you a little gift. Here are a few excerpts from our book on how to do absolutely everything on the earth. Enjoy!!

page 198: How to become Pope
1. Join Hitler youth
2. Become priest
3. Rise through the ranks by being a right-wing bastard
4. Chill on the whole molesting thing
5. Get really old


page 449: How to immediately become the most hated person on the subway
1. Start clipping your nails
2. Make a really good spitting noise and then let a snot rocket fly as the doors open
3. Eat a four course meal involving soup on your lap
4. Start break dancing into the legs of seated passengers and then ask for money
5. Invite the person sitting next to you to church
6. Shit your pants

page 3294: How to get on Al Jazeera TV
1. Scream something in Farsi while wildly pumping a fist outside a US embassy.
2. Wear a ski mask and kidnap a white (or even asian) person.
3. Send in a videotape with a lot of 'walking around the caves' footage

page 12994: How to cure cancer
1. Be a brilliant scientist
2. Get assloads of mice
3. Inject people with stuff
4. Get more tail than Tommy Lee in '85

NO HITTING: 5/26 @8pm -- just 4 shows left til summer!!!

Oh people. Oh, last week. In true therapy-soaked NO HITTING fashion, we decided to read from our NO HITTING journals onstage. Tears were shed. Lessons were learned. Healing was achieved. Shame was enhanced. Very fun.

Come see us this week as we read correspondence between presidents and their first ladies throughout history.

And the lineup! People, the lineup. Check it. We've got Betsy Wise, Bryan Olsen, Charlie Gaeta, plus the musical genius of The Rob & Mark Show! With your deadly hosts, Becky Donohue & Jeff Mac

Don't miss it -- we've only got a few left before our summer break!

Odes to the Coming of Summer

We here at NO HITTING aren't all about shallow attempts to make you laugh. If you looked at a pie graph of what we're all about, we will grant you that most of it would be that, but not all. To that end, the NO HITTING poetry department has given birth to several rhapsodies in honor of the impending summer.

reversal: a haiku by Jeffrey Macspeare
empty subway car
yes! it's -- oh wait...no A.C.!
dear god, the ball sweat

New York Sports Club: Another Reason to Join by Becky Carlos Becky
fleshy arms, bare legs
visible paleness abounds
rough winter in city..too much man titty

Life Choices by Rebecca Wadsworth Donohue
there's a beach somewhere
I'll never see it, too poor
should've been corp-rate climber
(epilogue)
comedy
ca
ca

90 degrees, 90% humidity: a haiku by Jeffrey Lord Maccyson
well-dressed homeless man
snowpants and a winter coat
steamed in his own pee

GRACIAS, MEXICO!

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, here are five things that we wouldn't have if not for Mexico:

1. The Mexican Hat Dance - perhaps the most highly ranked of all the hat dances.

2. Mariachi Bands - equally for their music and their no-nonsense fashion style.

3. Selena! - not only the singer, but the Edward James Olmos made-for-TV movie. Mucho bueno!!

4. Stucco - it makes us feel as if we could make a house just by throwing mud around. Feels good, powerful.

5. Texas - Seriously, thanks, you guys. We've really enjoyed it since we got it from you. Anytime you need it back, though, you let us know. And please feel free to take the rest of the fucking South along with it. No charge.