Grift Me Up

The lady who found the finger in her Wendy's chili may have been pulling a scam. Just when you thought you had found a hero, right? Well, we here at NO HITTING are frankly sickened by this predicament. If you want to be successful in the con business, there are a few simple rules that will make your life significantly easier.

Snare them suckers!

If you stage your own kidnapping for the ransom money, DO NOT deliver the ransom note in person. Even if you are dressed as someone else. Not even if you are wearing a false moustache and speaking in a Dutch accent. No, it doesn't matter how authentic it is. You're still asking for trouble.

When fleeing from a successful robbery on a crowded subway, don't take the escalator just because the stairs cause your arthritis to flare up. Just run, you dick.

If you steal someone's credit card number from your shitty restaurant job, don't then buy things directly from your Amazon favorites page.

Upon a successful pickpocketting attempt, don't shout, "Yes!" or, "In your FACE!" And don't try to throw your victim off the trail by saying something like, "Boy, it sure is great to have a wallet, eh gov'na?" It might make them suspicious.

If you steal someone's credit card number from your shitty restaurant job and the customer tried to scratch out their number with a pen, take a trip to Europe, because that guy's an ass and he deserves it. The card number is already in the system and we can print it at will. We could cover our bedrooms with a wallpaper made entirely of your cc number.

On pretending to be a psychic: Don’t be afraid to make things up. It may seem unethical, but that's what you get for pretending to be a psychic. If you were a real psychic, you wouldn't need to lie. Actually, if you were a real psychic, you wouldn't even need to read this e-mail. Ok, that's just creepy.

Ask Your Doctor

Are you tired of waiting for your doctor to tell you what medications you should be taking? Or are you just tired of comedians bringing up this topic? Well…we can't help you with that second one. But our NO HITTING liaison to the pharmaceutical industry has a few new goodies that you might be interested in. Prescribe a couple for yourself today!

Bloviatra:
Uses: For the person who thinks that their opinions simply MUST be expressed at all times, fully and without regard for their companion's level of interest.
Results: When taken orally, the pill will expand to fill the entire mouth, making it impossible to speak.
Side effects: Onlookers may mistake the silence for some sort of wisdom.

Kamasutracid:
Uses: For unattractive people who tell you about their sex life, forcing you to picture them doing the things they describe.
Results: When taken, the subject will emit a smell that causes amnesia in the people around them, erasing the horrible pictures from their minds.
Side Effects: May cause drowsiness, dry mouth and death. Or diarrhea. Anything with a "D" apparently.

Charm-oxy:
Uses: For individuals who experience others as trying to run away from them in a conversation. Take one pill every time the person you are speaking to shifts nervously, or as needed.
Results: Replaces your regular, annoying voice with popular hits such as Justin Timberlake's "cry me a river" or Madonna's "die another day".

Sex-a-pro:
Uses: For individuals who are considered slutty. Gently apply the spray to yourself and your potential partner once flirting begins.
Results: Causes all sexual organs to seal themselves closed with an organic plastic wrap.
Side Effects: If you use the spray more than four times a day your genitalia may smooth over permanently like a Ken doll.

The NO HITTING Fit-4-Free Guide

It's almost bikini weather here in NYC. It's either time to get in shape or to pretend that you're ABOUT to get into shape. Either way, the NO HITTING Fitness Director has a few suggestions for any budget.

Subway Judo
The next time you are on the subway during rush hour, press up against your neighbor and try to force them to fall out of the train. Do this for 3 stops, and then switch partners. Slowly increase the intensity until someone dies. You'll get a great workout, and you might just make a friend!

Vow of Poverty
This one is quite simple -- renounce all your earthly possessions. Walk the streets with nothing, but a small clay bowl (as we've read the Buddhist monks do) and only eat whatever passersby put in your bowl. We guarantee rapid weight loss. If you can mentally get past the distended belly, you might even be able to see yourself as hot.

Angry Soup Cans
Allow yourself only to eat canned soup. You must do 100 dumbbell curls with the soup cans every time you become emotional. And you will become emotional because you must open the cans without a can opener. You can only use your bare hands. You may also throw the soup can against a wall or concrete, but that is a move often associated with anger, so you must do 100 curls with the can even if you are successful in opening it. This diet guarantees enormous biceps and increased anger management skills.

The Tourist Assist
Head up to midtown and hang around the Times Square subway station. When you see a tourist stop right in front of the turnstile, blocking all of the people behind them, try this. Approach them from behind and throw them as far as you can. Make sure to lift with your legs -- midwesterners are heavier than you think!

NO HITTING'S GUIDE TO THE PAPACY

The selection of a new pope is an exciting time (play along, folks) and yet we know so little about the process. Until now. The NO HITTING Theological Bureaucracy Department chief has been snooping around Vatican city, and he's uncovered some fascinating secrets about how they fill that giant hat.

Unexpected Candidates

It's commonly believed that the Pope will be selected from the high-ranking church officials. NOT TRUE. The college of cardinals can actually pick anyone they want. Some of the names getting buzz this year are Tom Selleck, the guy who played Father Mulcahy on MASH, a really cute kitty that wandered into St. Peter's Basilica last week, and Thomas Magnum (played by Tom Selleck.)

Papal Back Washing

Similar to the 'Washing of the Feet' ritual performed around Easter, the Cardinals engage in a series of back washings during their seclusion. The back washing is NOT metaphorical. The Cardinals approach one another with a very coarse loofa pad and greet each other with the following, "Holy One, if you wash my back, I'll wash yours." The Cardinals then secretly jot down which individual has the most Christ-like back.

Hot Hat

There are a series of 'tests' from which the Cardinals determine who will become the next pope. One such test is called, 'Hot Hat'. In 'Hot Hat', the Pope's hat is passed around while a religious hymn plays. A Vatican nun will stop the hymnal at random, whichever Cardinal is left holding the hat must put it on. The game continues until a consensus is reached as to which cardinal looks the cutest in the Pope hat. The game often takes 13 of the 14 sequestered days.

The Final Selection

After 2 weeks, the cardinals are really starting to get pretty ripe. Those robes don't breathe, people. It's time to make a decision. When the list of hopefuls is down to two, the finalists strip down to their underwear and are locked into a 3' by 3' cage together. They engage in a vicious game of "Your Patron Saint is So Fat…" until one of them cries or loses control of his bowels. The other is declared Pope for life.