The NO HITTING Guide to the Classfieds

We know it's tough looking for a job, especially when they don't tell you what the hell you'll be doing until you get there. The headhunting offices here at NO HITTING have compiled this handy guide to translate the help wanted section for you.

fun summer job/ perfect for college student
This job will involve nudity or sales.

Good communications skills a must.
Your staff flew in from Bangladesh yesterday. Good luck!

Are you tired of the same old routine? Come join our team!
In your worst nightmares, you have never imagined a job so mind-numbingly boring. The upside - your elephantine co-workers will find a reason to eat cake every day at 3:30. They think that makes them "crazy."

applicant must be open minded, attractive, and pleasant
Your married boss will try to fuck you. The pleasant part means that you're supposed to ignore it.

compensation is commensurate with experience:
Unless your resume includes astronaut or first person to map the human genome in the special skills section, you're getting minimum wage.

Looking for someone energetic, and ready for a challenge.
Congratulations. You're the new master of ceremonies at a cockfight in the Bronx.