LAST CHANCE TO SEE...

Well, people, many of our NYC icons are going the way of the dodo. We here at NO HITTING don't want you to miss out on getting one last glimpse at some of the things that make our city great, so the Director of Central NO HITTING Intelligence has put a mole in the mayor's office. Here are some of the plans for 2007. Get out there while there's still time.

Central Park
This NYC icon will be bulldozed, flattened out, and be rebuilt into the Big Apple Foodcourt. But don't worry - to keep the original park-like feel, some of the foliage will still be there in spirit. Many of the trees will be replaced with exact replicas of themselves made from the wood pulp gathered by cutting down the original trees.

NY Public Library
All New York libraries will be shut down and replaced with a Starbucks/ Barnes & Noble combination. The illusion of books on the shelves will remain by replacing all the real books with hollow, cardboard, replicas. This step was taken after Starbucks Inc. conducted a survey which resulted in the following finding, 'people don't actually want to learn stuff...they simply want to be surrounded by smart looking things so they can feel smart...and they like really expensive coffees.'

The Plaza Hotel
The Plaza will be turned into an Urban mall named, El Plase Centro. El Plase will consist of a Pizza Hut, Quiznos, Dunkin Donuts, Nathan's, & a Haircuts Express. The only people who will ever enter the Plase will be tourists and all the shops will be manned by extremely angry Indian or Bangledeshi immigrants. Oops, sorry, that actually is happening.

Museum Of Natural History
New name: Museum of Non-Patriotic, Evil-doer, Alleged History. All items that don't quite jibe with the Bible will be marked with neon signs that say, "THEORY." The famous dinosaur exhibit will be renamed, "The Blasphemy Zone," and will be used to warn children about the dangers of actually believing what you can see with your own eyes.

The NO HITTING Guide to Irish Symbology

Where do all of these Irish symbols come from? What do they mean? Why is this Irish guy passed out in front of my apartment? These are the questions that have plagued, well, probably somebody...uh...for a long time. Well, the NO HITTING Irish Culture and History Department has prepared this primer for that guy, and anyone else who's interested.

SHAMROCKS
The Irish people did not invent alcohol, but they were the first people to ever drink in excess. It was common to walk out into the morning sun and to find a great deal of the townspeople face down in the grass, groaning with hangovers. One day the mayor woke up with the front lawn as his pillow and realized that the shamrock should be the national flower of Ireland. He also decided that the taste in his mouth that morning should be immortalized in the "Shamrock Shake," which can still be vomited to this day.

BAGPIPES
Irish invention, though often thought to be Scottish.Shamus McLoud was told that the could not 'play a cow as well as he did that bloody clarinet' by his ex-wife Francis. Shamus, being a very creative sort, cut off the cow udder from one of his father's stock before it went to slaughter. He attached the cow udder to his clarinet and covered the udder with some plaid cloth leftover from his best sunday suit. He then began to toot on his clarinet, letting the cow udder contract and expand with each note and the bagpipe was born.

KILTS
Like the bagpipes, an Irish invention that was mistakenly attributed to the Scottish. Donald O'Herlihy, a shepherd in the 1400's, used to wear a skirt to trick his sheep in to thinking that it wasn't he who was creeping up behind them in the night, but merely Mrs. O'Herlihy. His ruse was so successful that he decided to make the look fashionable, so he wouldn't stand out in a crowd quite so starkly when he went to town.

IRISH STEPDANCING aka "Riverdance"
This one falls under the "happy accident" category. Thomas McDonough of County Cork had a violent seizure at a party one night during which he a.) never left his feet, and b.) kept perfect time with the music. He was wearing a headband and really tight pants, and it just looked like it had all been intentional. A new artform was born. Oh, and the guy was a little gay. Hey, some people swing that way. No biggie.